Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
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I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
welcome back
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!