Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
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Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going