The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
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Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
This is the best one I’ve seen
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼