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Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*