It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
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lmao
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Everything reminds me of my ex
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second