“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
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People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
is it earth
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’