Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
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*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
SF is the wild wild west man
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.