CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
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I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?