Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
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i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Had an epiphany today.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*