“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
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were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Art by Pastelkatto
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.