I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
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Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Has there ever been a more American story?
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Goat cheese is for herders.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.