Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
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Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
“What?”
– Jude
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.