[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
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Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
This has made my week.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.