My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
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Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.