I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
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FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
See..?
.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since