*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
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Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Aaaa…CHOO!
#Caturday
Anime is real
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
next question.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple