“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
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Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
This kid is going places
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week