My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
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After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
This could be us but you eatin’
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Ghost costume 😂
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”