I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
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[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?