I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
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ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Sell your car
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.