A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
You Might Also Like
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
This is a whole mood;
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring