Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
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Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.