Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
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Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Eat…
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.