*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
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No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies