This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
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I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Crying is a sign of leakness.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.