Me: I really like your glasses. They鈥檙e so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn鈥檛 be allowed to speak 馃槀
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If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
I said it out loud and I can鈥檛 stop giggling lmao
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Message from the dog groomers
I鈥檓 45 and still don鈥檛 know what to do when live music is playing.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it鈥檚 either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor鈥檚 wife longingly staring at the sea]
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
how was your vacation
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur