Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
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[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.