“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
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Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Shortcut
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger: