Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
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My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE