Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
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*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
The three genders
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
why isn’t he texting back
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.