To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
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If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.