My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
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If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
just witnessed a drug deal
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.