My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
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My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.