My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
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Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know