[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
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I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
She puts the hot in psychotic
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Social Media and Real life
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.