Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

*Refuses to go to the gym

Adds resistance training to workout list.

We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.

They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.

My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.

Wife: We named you after Grandma

Me: Yes that was my idea!

Grandma: They all laugh at me at school

in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism

Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind

Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class

DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ

Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!

My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.

Most terrifying carousel ride ever.

schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news

patient: what do they say?

schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live

patient: what’s the good news?

schrödinger: there isn’t any now

inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away

For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.

My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.

Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.

We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas

Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow

Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.

Therapist: Have you ever had a job?

Me: I once worked at a zoo

Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?

Me: Definitely not a penguin

Therapist: what

Me: what

Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.

The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.

Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.

I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way

Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.

1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.

just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot

Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?

Wife: Did you check in the shower?

Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!

Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.

sure we’re surviving 2019

but at what cost