I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
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Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me: