I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
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#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Hmm, not sure about this change
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
dictator is short for richard potato
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.