I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
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[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point