*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
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Happy thanksgiving
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
If a snake ate a cake
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!