customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
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[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.