me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
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What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
I’m listening
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.