parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
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Seas the day!!!!
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]