mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
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I am patiently waiting for your email
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.