3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
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I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english