Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
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#NeverForget
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Seems kinda suspicious
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.