[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
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IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.