My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
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Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.