Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.

Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.

I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”

power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup

turning my gender off to conserve energy

My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.

I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.

My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.

He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground

[job interview]

Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!

Me: hi

Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking

this isn’t threatening at all

Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.

There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH

Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.

Products that are really small are like free samples, right?

I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.

*I come home with an empty stroller*

WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?

ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle

WIFE:

ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK

Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.

Until you realize you live alone.

All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.

Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?

Priest: Absolutely not

Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’

When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.

Greeting humans vs their dogs

roommate: do u have any shaving cream

me: no it tastes gross

roommate: you eat shaving crea-

me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross

-gestures to everything in the Garage-

Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!

Wife- YOU’RE a tool

Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?

I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.

My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.

“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”

i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth*

*pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet

One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.

I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.