Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
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If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
This is amazing.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive