The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
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Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Breaking news:
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING