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On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Social Media and Real life
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!