tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
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Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
(more comics:
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u