[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
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All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he