[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
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I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”