This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
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So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
I never needed anything more in my life
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about